Motherhood's struggles

I was counting down my days everyday, looking forward to embrace my little bump to come out. I wanted to hold her in my arms, kiss her apple cheek, play her little hands and toes so much. And after 9 months of pregnancy, finally that moment has arrived. I thought it would be a total relief, as all the morning sickness, back aching, cramping and the extra pounds I carried 'PHEW' would be gone right way. Before I even realised, it is only the beginning.

Caring for an infant is not as easy as what you read in the book, besides the theory and you need practical skills too. Being a first time mom, I was clueless and inexperience. There may be a lot of people around you telling what to do, how to handle and the books you read always have two school of thoughts, and you wondering what am I supposed to do with all these advices and in the end you are lost. One thing I must admit is mother's instinct is strong, somehow you will know what is best for you and baby, so just go with the flow.

Jimmy and I had agreed that I stay home to take care of Sierra full time, I am happy and yet miserable. I love Sierra and I want to watch her grow so much, but at the same times I am unhappy as there are a lot of sacrifices and adjustment to be made. I feel like I am a bird without wings, it drives me crazy that 24hrs x 7days my life evolve about baby...It frightened me, sometimes I feel worse when I could not handle Sierra well. Nobody is there to help me out when Jimmy is at work. I am left alone with Sierra during the day, no friends and relatives, as all of my friends is working executive...Sometimes when Jimmy goes on business trip, my heart sink and I even more vulnerable, the fear, insecurity and loneliness during the night eat up my soul.

Motherhood has been a struggle and challenge for me every now and then, all the worries, frustration etc. Each milestone and every stages Sierra gone through is so different, it takes a lot of patience, efforts, loves, times and you have to be strong and persevere at all time, sometimes it wears me out. I am always tired, always lack of sleep... I am just so confused, that while I love my baby and some days I do not like her. I am just being honest...sometimes I just so fret about my life...

Although there is always bumps on the road, it helps to mould my characters. I become stronger, more sensitive to Sierra needs, more flexible.Hehe...I am always full of ideas and creative, being a mom brings out the best and worst in me.

Despite of all the sacrifices and struggles, I always convinced myself it is worth it... I may not see the outcome now, but I believe in I reap what I sow...Sierra is just a little seed in my hands, I am nurturing her until the day she blossoms and she would be the blessings of many others. That day would be a long long time before I could see it, worry not...as I have plenty of love, faith and hope...